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Stalling Out (Temporarily)

November 17, 2018

So, what the hell, right?  Where have I been?  Since my last post, I've been to Atlanta, West Virginia, and back to Bluffton to wait for a part for my van.  I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm frustrated.  I also feel like a big failure because almost three months in, I've not managed to go much of anywhere on my big road trip.

 

The good stuff first:  I saw my beautiful new niece, Grace, and we are very in love already.  She is perfect and beautiful and I cannot wait to spoil her rotten.  Seeing her made me have all sorts of feelings about my mother (who loved babies and would have been BANANAS to meet her), about my own childlessness, and about the distance between my brother and me.  Overall, though, it was such a good visit and I am so happy I got to see her when she was brand new!

 

I also got to see my friend, B, get married.  It was a beautiful and really moving wedding and I met some amazing people there.  I also was finally brave enough to wear my jumpsuit to a wedding and it was basically perfect:  pockets, covered legs, very comfy.  A huge success, I think.  Also, the wedding allowed me to spend some time with my dearest friend K and her new wife C...people I love a lot and don't get to see very often.  

 

I got the opportunity, last weekend, to see the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed plantation, Auldbrass.  Auldbrass is located just 30 miles from Bluffton (where my parents live) and it is the only plantation house Wright ever designed.  It's a private residence and is only open for tours once a year.  I was pumped that tickets were still available this year!  I love seeing Wright's work in person and this house didn't disappoint.  It's as innovative and interesting as all his work.  It was also really fun to see how people live in one of his homes (I've only ever seen Fallingwater and the Pope-Leighy house - both of which are now museums).  I also chatted with a few of the docents and got to ask some great questions.  It was such a wonderful experience and I felt pretty lucky.

 

 

I've been feeling, despite the good stuff, like I'm not doing much with my life.  I also generally worry that this road trip is the ultimate in selfish behavior - asking others to help support me while I flit around the country.  Today, though, I was doing my three month check-in with my psychiatrist and she said to me, totally unprompted, that I should give myself credit for doing this thing.  She said it was brave and powerful to take time for myself and to explore things I want to see.  Friends have said similar things to me, too.  And I suppose it's all true.  I'm always worried that I am doing things for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to be a burden or a problem.  It's one of my bigger fears.  And even though I know that I'm doing what I can to contribute and that it's OK to take time for myself, I still worry that it's not enough.  I still worry that I'm not doing enough, seeing enough, being enough.  And I want to leave so badly.  But, I'm waiting for the spare tire part, I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends, and I'm still determined to see as much as I can in the next year.  

 

 

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